If we’ve lost our sense of humor, then the terrorists have won, so it’s time for America to laugh again…

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You’re Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair

By Alan Meiss, ameiss@earthlink.net

Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.

Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn’t that sound a lot like a B-52?"

Ask him if he’s looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan’s favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.

Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.

Order him ten Domino’s pizzas with extra ham topping.

Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.

Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven’t seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.

Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.

Switch all the CD’s in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he’ll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.

Mine his bathroom.

Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".

Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.

Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.

Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.

Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.

Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you’ll get to "kick his ass every day for eternity".

Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.

Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".

Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.

Tell him it’s lovely what he’s done with his cave, but that it’d look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.

At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.

Claim you once saw him at a Hooter’s in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.

Ask him if he wouldn’t mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.

Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you’ve ever attended.

Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.

Mix up his Rubik’s Cube.

Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.

Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.

Run your finger along his credenza, and say "tsk, tsk" if there’s dust.

Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.

Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.

Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.

Ask him if he’s pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.

Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think , in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"

Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.

They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who’s having a baby on Friends.

Warn him that you’re "in a New York state of mind."

Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they’ve ever thought of modeling.

Ask him, "say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he’ll be caught off guard and answer correctly.

Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie". If there’s actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*

Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.

Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.

Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.

Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.

Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.

Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.

When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

This article is copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss. You are free to forward it to others provided you do not change or add to the contents; you are also free to include the article in print or broadcast media provided you send the author an acknowledgment at ameiss@earthlink.net.

Please continue to support the recovery efforts, and remember, be good to your neighbor, regardless of their religious faith or ethnic background. God Bless America!

*Some translational notes for non-Americans: a "noogie" is a painful head rub administered to the scalp while holding someone’s head in an arm-lock; a "wedgie" involves grabbing the back of their underwear and hoisting it up until they squeal; a "swirlie" involves being dunked head-first in a running flush toilet. See what you missed by not attending school in the States? ;)

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If we’ve lost our sense of humor, then the terrorists have won, so it’s time for America to laugh again…

Top Fifty Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein

By Alan Meiss, ameiss@earthlink.net

Hasn’t actually read the Koran, but has definitely skimmed the Cliff’s Notes several times.

Cries while listening to Carpenters albums.

Busy burning all his valentines from Osama.

Merciless chemical gassing of his own people was actually "a cry for help".

Former school classmates who teased him now floating in jars in his den.

Wants 239th palace to have an Elvis theme.

Enjoys long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners after long day of overseeing brutal torture of dissidents.

Bought an Abdomenizer after watching late-night infomercial, but it’s just sitting on closet shelf in underground bunker.

Has a secret plan for reducing desertion rate of troops in future wars to only 96%.

Now privately admits that "Mother of All Battles" was actually more like "Third Cousin In Law’s Niece of All Battles".

Has a nervous habit of flicking his lighter when he sees oil wells.

Has a soft spot for his Chief Torturer and presented him with a monogrammed soldering iron for his birthday.

Has several Pokemon characters tattooed on his butt.

Sometimes gets "just a little creeped out" by 237,984 pictures of himself hung around Baghdad.

Deeply disappointed that Estes company refused to supply him with D-size engines for missile program.

Favorite Iraqi holiday is National "Compose Glowing Poetry About Saddam While Licking His Boots Clean" Day.

Has every episode of Love Boat on tape; likes to dub over dialog with his own speeches.

Sleeps with life-size doll of Joseph Stalin that he refers to as "Snuggums".

Has finally crossed the Bush family off his Christmas card list.

Can’t sleep without a night-light and his Scooby Doo pajamas.

Official Food Taster number 7,938 is his favorite so far.

Wiped out 94 relatives, three army divisions, the whole Iraqi Olympic Soccer Team, and an entire species of moss after suspecting their involvement in a coup plot.

Sound management of economy and fiscal discretion will allow complete rebuilding of Iraqi infrastructure by the year 2435.

Really, really enjoyed dissections in grade school Biology classes.

Favorite activity is being driven down Saddam Street to Saddam Stadium to watch Team Saddam practice Saddam Ball every Saddam Day.

Learned his expert military skills through weekly games of Risk.

Likes to dig up most-hated former enemies and execute them a few more times for satisfaction.

Seeking to establish his own coalition, he’s considering a bold diplomatic offensive to reopen embassies in Liechtenstein, Andorra, and San Marino.

Has small, adorable puppy named Corpse.

Shares pain of economic embargo because he can only obtain gold-plated replacement fixtures for solid gold bathtubs.

Top scientists have finally unlocked technological secrets of 8-track tapes and Pez dispensers, but have yet to procure free HBO.

Extensive private collection of Barbie dolls has a lot of missing limbs and strange burn marks.

Still wonders if Ross and Rachel will get back together.

Executed thousands over meager 99.99999% share of vote in recent elections after forgetting to vote for himself.

Upset that Slobodan hasn’t written for weeks.

Gave pop quiz to aides after nine hour speech at "Disembowel the Zionist Lackeys of Imperialism" Rally; those with low marks now carefully reviewing notes by candlelight in Baghdad sewer cages using remaining limbs.

Pleased that he’s now slightly more popular in Kuwait than flesh-eating bacteria; hopes to overtake botulism after lengthy "hearts and minds" campaign.

Bolsters the morale of elite troops by doing the "moonwalk" for them.

Still regretting brilliant "Park Entire Air Force in Iran" maneuver during Gulf War.

Excelled in the Iraqi Boy Scouts and still treasures his Assassination Merit Badge.

Uses various spellings of his name, such as Sadam, Sadamm, or Sahdam, to keep ordering ten CD’s for only 1 cent from his favorite record club.

Recent rumors of his ill health were repeatedly, vehemently, and fervently denied by his brand-new personal physician.

Enjoys hunting trips to Baghdad Zoo.

Concubine’s continued silence in public explained by lack of tongue.

Favorite comic strip is Marmaduke.

Still trying to convince skeptical U.N. to replace "Oil for Food" program with new "Oil for Plutonium" program.

Believes that Iraqi women have the right to be just as miserable and terrified as Iraqi men.

Now has Iraqi currency printed directly on rolls of toilet paper.

Still loves posing for paintings while wearing sunglasses.

Issued a fatwah against "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown", claiming that only he, Saddam, can be the "baddest man in the whole damn town".

This article is copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss. You are free to forward it to others provided you do not change or add to the contents; you are also free to include the article in print or broadcast media provided you send the author an acknowledgment at ameiss@earthlink.net

Please continue to support the recovery efforts, and remember, be good to your neighbor, regardless of their religious faith or ethnic background. God Bless America!