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MORE
JOKES
Who's nuts?
Read the original rant written by Laurence
Simon titled Americans
being crazier than Bin Laden
Read the PLAGIARIZED COPY of this post from the CNN message
boards! CNNMessagepost
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Geek Humor:
Spotted, somewhere in the Silicon Valley, a white T-shirt with
the following text: rm -f /bin/laden
Someone sent a reply: Kill Exec PID=laden
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Then there was the joke by Senator John McCabe appearing on
the Jay Leno Show:
What is osama bin laden going to be for Halloween?
Answer: DEAD.
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Failed Afghan Recruiting Posters:
1. "Be Allah you can be"
2. "Aim Low"
3. "An Army of None"
4. "The Few....................................."
5. "Martyrs have more fun"
6. "Vigins....we got Virgins!!"
7. "Free Camoflage Turbans....sign up today!"
8. "Uncle oSAMa wants you"
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Some TALIBAN ONE-LINER JOKES
for today:
Q:Why does Osama always carry a piece of shit in his pocket?
A: It's his photo ID
Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q: What does osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What's the difference between the Taliban and a bucket of
shit?
A: the bucket
Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.
Q: Why don't bin laden's people eat shit sandwiches?
A: they can't stand bread
Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes
on the same day?
A: because the camels can't handle it
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CNN News Bulletin
At a hastily called press conference this morning, Taliban Minister
of Immigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that
if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan,
Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's
supply of convenience store managers.
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Solution to the problem:
Killing Osama bin Laden will only create a martyr. Holding him
prisoner will only inspire his comrades to take hostages to
demand his release. Therefore, we should do neither.
Let the Special Forces, Seals, Green Berets, etc., covertly
capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons
quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then return
"her" to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.
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Newsflash: Dixons (RadioShack) have had to close their
stores in Afghanistan because of the telly ban.
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Newsflash: Dyslexic troops have surrounded John Lewis
(Macys).
They'd been tipped off that Bed Linen was on the second floor
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In an LA Times editorial letter (9/19/2001), Shelley
Bookspan wrote:
"Forget threatening to bomb Afghanistan and the Taliban if they
fail to turn over Bin Laden to us. Instead, let's threaten to
gather up all of their women and send them to college. In fact,
why don't we do that anyway?"
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TOP 11 NAMES FOR U.S. RETALIATION against Osama bin Laden
11. Operation: Yo Mama Bin Laden
10. Operation: Desert Turd
9. Operation: Afghani-Slam Fest 2001
8. Operation: Toli-Bomb
7. Operation: I-C-B-Enema
6. Operation: The Shiite Hits The Fan
5. Operation: Kiss Your Ass-Ghanistan Good Bye
4. Operation: F.U.B.A.R.
3. Operation: ...And The Camel You Rode In On.
2. Operation: Red, White & Ka-blewey!
1. Operation: Osama Bend-Over
0.5 Operation In your pants you'll be pishoddin', bin laden
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QUOTE FROM THE PRESIDENT: When asked what is taking so
long.
"When I take action I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile
at a
$10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt."
-President of the United States, George W. Bush.
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Did you hear of the Israeli soldier chasing the Arab soldier
across the desert,
yelling "If my husband were only here!"
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Three guys
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out
walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie
pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes
total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and
my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile
in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land
in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come
into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's
eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well,
it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds
the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."
"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."
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Top 17 anagrams for Osama Bin Laden (or as Michelle calls
him - uSUCKa bin Laden!)
17. SANE OILMAN BAD (thanks Stuart Guarniere)
16. I BONA LEADSMAN (thanks Stuart)
15. NASAL NOMAD BE I (thanks Stuart)
14. BE A SLAIN NOMAD (thanks Stuart)
13. A bend lama son - (thanks Tristan "the missing"
Linck)
12. Food: Bami deo San Lan - (thanks Tristan)
11. Albania's Demon - (thanks Mark)
10. A lesbian nomad
9. Alias "Boned Man"
8. So I anal bad men
7. And I blame a son
6. No Asian bedlam
5. I.D.: Mean Anal S.O.B.
4. I, a sad nobleman
3. A slain abdomen
2. I'm so banal, Edna
1. I model bananas
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What does ISLAM stand for?
I SCREW LLAMAS AND MULES
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Alan Meiss' 50 Ways
to Annoy Osama bin Laden at a Dinner Party
Alan Meiss' 50 Least-Known
Facts About Saddam Hussein
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Letter
from the citizens of the USA
Dear Osama Bin Laden, Yasser Arafat, and Sadam Hussein, et.
al.,
We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally accept your
challenge to an old-fashioned game of whoop-ass. Now
that we understand the rule that there are no rules, we look
forward to playing by them for the first time. Since this
game is a winner-take-all, we unfortunately are unable to invite
you to join us at the victory celebration. But rest assured
that we will toast you -- LITERALLY. While we will admit that
you are off to an impressive lead, it is however now our turn
at the plate.
By the way, we will be playing on your court now.
Batter up.
Sincerely,
The 270,000,000 citizens of the United States of America
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First Annual Kabul Air Show Scheduled (AP)
Kabul, Afghanistan 17:52 GMT - Sept. 25, 2001
Citizens of Afghanistan are reportedly looking forward with
great anticipation to reports of an international air show to
be held in the skies over their nation.
An unnamed official informed us that "Now the rest of the world
will look upon our beloved city with great honor just as they
do Farnborough, England and Paris, France", referring to the
sites of two other famous international air shows.
The exact date and time of the upcoming Kabul International
Air Show has not yet been announced. It is believed that event
organizers feel that such an announcement would detract from
the fun of the celebration by, "spoiling the surprise".
Unlike most air shows the Kabul Air Show will feature almost
no static ground displays but will have an unusually high number
of aerial demonstrations and fly-bys. "We are most pleased by
this feature of our air show. Instead of a lot of different
kinds of airplanes just sitting around on the tarmac, the aircraft
attending our show will actually be up in the air demonstrating
what they do best!" we were told.
Participation will probably be heaviest by aircraft of the United
States Air Force and Marine Corps. Including appearances by
F-15's, F-16's, A-10's, B-52's and Apache helicopters. It is
rumored that opening ceremonies will feature a tomahawk-cruise
fireworks display. A few B-2's, and F-117A's may also help out
in some unseen capacity.
Several other counties have expressed an interest in sending
representatives. These include all nineteen nations in the NATO
alliance as well as Australia. The excitement generated for
this gala event has even prompted the Israeli Air Force to apply
for participation.
Of course, no one is more excited than the Afghan people themselves.
Great numbers of them are in the streets of Kabul looking constantly
heavenward in gratitude for the historic event, which will soon
take place in their skies. It has been observed that some are
so concerned about missing the show that even as they bow to
the East they keep snatching worried glances towards the West.
Thousands, in fact, have been seen leaving the city and fleeing
to the mountains carrying food and blankets - obviously anxious
to get a good vantage point for the air show, and to make a
picnic of it.
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American Women...Do Your Part To Help! Stand Up, Be Seen!
We need to get this message out. Please forward, America needs
your help!
The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Since
the hard line Islamic people cannot stand nudity, and consider
it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tonight
at 7:00 pm, all women should run out of their house naked to
help weed out the terrorists.
The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you.
God bless America.
Signed,
William Jefferson Clinton
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An
Open Letter to Terrorists:
Well, you hit the World Trade Center, but you missed America.
You hit
the Pentagon, but you missed America.
You used
helpless American bodies, to take out other American bodies,
but like a poor marksman, you STILL missed America.
Why?
Because
of something you guys will never understand.
America
isn't about a building or two, not about financial centers,
not about military centers, America isn't about a place, America
isn't even about a bunch of bodies.
America
is about an IDEA.
An idea,
that you can go someplace where you can earn as much as you
can figure out how to, live for the most part, like you envisioned
living, and pursue Happiness. (No guarantees that you'll reach
it, but you can sure try!).
Go ahead
and whine your terrorist whine, and chant your terrorist litany:
"If you
can not see my point, then feel my pain."
This concept
is alien to Americans.
We live
in a country where we don't have to see your point.
But you're
free to have one.
We don't
have to listen to your speech.
But you're
free to SAY one.
Don't know
where you got the strange idea that everyone has to agree with
you.
We don't
agree with each other in this country, almost as a matter of
pride.
We're a
collection of guys that don't agree, called States.
We united
our individual states to protect ourselves from tyranny in the
world.
Another
idea, we made up on the spot.
You CAN
make it up as you go, when it's your country.
You guys
seem to be incapable of understanding that we don't live in
America, America lives in US!
American
spirit is what it's called.
And killing
a few thousand of us, or a few million of us, won't change it.
Most of
the time, it's a pretty happy-go-lucky kind of Spirit.
Until we're
crossed in a cowardly manner, then it becomes an entirely different
kind of Spirit.
Wait until
you see what we do with that Spirit, this time.
Sleep tight,
if you can.
We're coming.....
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I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation,
but I think it is fun to decide what one would do. The situation:
You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress.
Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures
destroyed. Let's say that you're a photographer and getting
still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for
particularly poignant scenes. You come across Osama bin Laden
who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging
on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put
down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning
photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb. So, here's
the question and think carefully before you answer the question
below:
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Which
lens would you use?
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Oink if you like foreign policy!
An Israeli friend recently informed me that the UK fought the
Islamic terrorist attacks by burying the criminals with a pig.
Apparently the Islamic belief is that if ones' body is buried
with a pig (because they are considered unclean) their soul
will go to hell. I did a little research into this subject matter
and found it to be true. This got me thinking.
If we put a baby pig on every airline flight then all suicide
terrorists would abort their missions as they would not want
their souls to go to hell.
Additionally, if we drop shipped, oh say, 100,000 pigs into
Afghanistan I think our recon and assault efforts may be more
successful. Apparently Muslims dislike the very site of pigs
A LOT!
They are also adamantly opposed to alcohol, thus we spike their
water supply with a few thousand gallons of moonshine, get them
shit faced and turn the pigs loose. The war would be over in
a weekend.
Just a thought.
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A father is walking with his son around the year 2032 in lower
Manhattan. As they explore the area the father explains to his
son about the grandeur of the buildings and take on the sites.
Suddenly they come to a beautiful park and plaza.
The son is so excited at the beautiful park and monuments and
asks his Dad: "What are these monuments for?"
The father replies: "This park is dedicated to honour the Twin
Towers and the memory of the people of New York."
"What are the Twin Towers?" asks the son.
Dad replies: "They were two very large 110 story buildings which
stood here nearly 30 years until Arab Terrorists destroyed them."
"Dad, what is an arab?"
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Q: How do you break up an Afghani Bingo?
A: B52
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What do you call a Taliban that has both a camel and a goat?
Bisexual.
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Why do we say of something we don't believe, "tell it to the
Marines?" (answer below) - (not a joke)
A tough leatherneck librarian smiles sweetly while cataloging
a new cock and bull story before adding it to the archives.
"Gosh darn it," the Marine swears, dropping his pencil. Taken
literally, this expression makes the Marines a tall- tale repository.
I don't think so. An often-cited origin has the original phrase
as "tell it to the horse marines." Since marines are usually
soldiers that embark from a ship, they're not likely to be "horse"
marines and by extension, the story that should be told to them
also does not jibe with the facts. It's also thought that marines,
who used ships but only to get to where they were going, were
held in contempt by sailors, who lived on the vessels fulltime.
They considered marines to be green and gullible, ready to believe
any fanciful story. To have some fun, they would tell one to
the marines.
Source: BREWER'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASE AND FABLE edited by Ivor
H. Evans
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Regardless of how you feel
about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!
**I was listening to the radio
the other day, and I heard one of the all-time best comeback
lines in my life. Note: This is an exact replication of National
Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and
US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout
Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General
Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys
when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to
teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting!
That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see
why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you
admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see
how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before
they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're
equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're
equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? "
The radio went silent and the interview
ended. And all I could think was, "Go Army!"
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OSAMA BIN
LADEN
YOU SON OF A BITCH
MAY YOUR BALLS DEVELOP
A SEVEN YEAR ITCH.
MAY YOUR PECKER BE TWISTED
IN SUCH A MANNER
THAT YOUR ASSHOLE WHISTLES
THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER!!!!!!
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!
Thanks, Lisa Rock Hill, SC
(Lisa, you go girl! - webmaster)
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One of my favorites to add to your
site.
Dan Sameit
A POEM FOR BIN LADEN
Osama Bin Laden, your time is short;
We'd rather you die, than come to court.
Why are you hiding if it was in God's name?
You're just a punk with a turban; a pathetic shame.
I have a question, about your theory and laws;
"How come you never die for the cause?"
Is it because you're a coward who counts on others?
Well, here in America, we stand by our brothers.
As is usual, you failed in your mission;
If you expected pure chaos, you can keep on wishin'
Americans are now focused and stronger than ever;
Your death has become our next endeavor.
What you tried to kill, doesn't live in our walls;
It's not in buildings or shopping malls.
If all of our structures came crashing down;
It would still be there, safe and sound.
Because pride and courage can't be destroyed;
Even if the towers leave a deep void.
We'll band together and fill the holes
We'll bury our dead and bless their souls.
But then our energy will focus on you;
And you'll feel the wrath of the Red, White and Blue.
So slither and hide like a snake in the grass;
Because America's coming to kick your ass!!!
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As a youth, Ossama bin Laden
Got caught with a goat he was proddin'
The mullah said, "Mister
You're fuckin' your sister!"
And his father just stood there a-noddin.
(Robert Ensign wrote this on Sept. 12, 2001)
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